Christmas Spirit

I was driving home last night from church (which if you know, is about half a minute) and I was looking at all the lights that adorned the houses in my neighborhood.

Some are simple- those are my favorite.

Some are a bit ostentatious- those make me smile because I always think of Christmas Vacation (my fav Christmas movie).

And some are just funny.  Like LOL funny.  One house in particular has one of those inflatable Santa figures on his sleigh... complete with inflatable reindeer- ON. TOP. OF. THEIR. HOUSE.  And during the day, it isn't inflated, so it's a very strange sight when driving past.

And as I was driving I was thinking about the movie Elf.  A big group of friends and the Mr. and I all got together on Friday to have dinner and watch Elf.  I super love that movie.  Seriously, could Will Ferrell have any more (appropriate) one liners in a movie!?

I was thinking about the line in the movie that is repeated several times, "the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear."

What does that actually mean?  What is Christmas cheer?  Or how about Christmas spirit?

I would say that the majority of Christmas movies talk about Christmas spirit.  And that perplexed me because I wonder what it all actually means... what is our main focus this time of year?

Last night the Mr. and I started a new tradition of lighting our very own Advent wreath.  I read scripture and he lit our first candle (which signifies HOPE).  We ate dinner by the light of one of our flickering Advent candles and talked about the significance of the Advent wreath and what it means.

Is that Christmas spirit?

I would say from a secular point of view, Christmas spirit is the absence of consumerism and placing value on people this time of year through giving.  Which actually I would still say focuses on consumerism just with more of a philanthropy-like mindset.  Now hear me out, this is NOT a bad thing.  I think it is always good to honor others through giving.  But when taking into account the amount of STUFF we put an emphasis on... I think that we have to do away with such a high focus on PRESENTS and replace it with a focus on PEOPLE because of what Christ has done for us.

What if instead Christmas spirit was replaced with Christ and Spirit?  What would that look like?

How would our homes, churches, neighborhoods, cities be changed if we were focused on Christ and His sacrifice?  What if we focused on the Holy Spirit inside of us that (as Chris Seidman would say) is God's engagement ring- a promise that he's coming back for us?

What if we were sharing the hope that we have in Christ with others through our words, actions and lives?  How would it look any different than giving away toys/money to the less fortunate in the name of "Christmas spirit"?

How can I, Mrs. Carnathan, encourage self-worth in those that are around me?  Because let's be honest, sometimes it's just easier to give without engaging in the mess of life.  How can I be led by the Holy Spirit to proclaim the hope that we have that Christ is coming back!?  How can my actions of "eager expectation" speak to those who need it most?

I have absolutely no answers.  Just lots of questions.  And a desire to learn exactly how to prepare my heart and spirit for His second coming.  Lord, come quickly!

And at the end of all this, I challenge you (as I am challenging myself) to rid ourselves of Christmas spirit and focus only on Christ and the Spirit.

My Christmas Playlist

As promised, here's a list of some of the songs that I am listening to this Christmas season.  Before I type out my playlist, there are also several Christmas albums that should be worth mentioning.  You also should know that "Oh Holy Night" is my favorite song.  You'll be able to tell.

(in no particular order)

Michael Crawford's "In the Moon of Wintertime"
This is such a romantic album.  Some might find it a little on the cheesy side, but if you like sweeping, dramatic music with lots of choral interludes, this is perfect.  Almost every song on this album is Christ-centered.  And if you love Michael Crawford (the original Phantom of the Opera) like I do, you'll love this.  In my opinion, it's perfection.  His version of "Oh Holy Night" is my favorite.  It makes my heart sing.  Literally.

Twila Paris' "It's the Thought"
This would probably be considered SUPER cheesy because of when it was produced.  It was an absolute STAPLE in my home growing up.  I love it because it is full of songs that aren't "staple" Christmas songs, but are filled with the coming of Christ!  It also has one of my most favorite versions of "Oh Holy Night" in which Twila hits an awesome note flawlessly and she recites Isaiah 9.

Shane and Shane's "Glory in the Highest"I absolutely love Shane and Shane.  I got the pleasure of hearing their album early several years ago at a youth ministry conference in Sacramento.  They sang "Oh Holy Night" and I remember my friend Mandy and I looked at each other (in the middle of October) and saying, "I'm getting that!"

With that said, here's my playlist for this Advent season.  This link will open up in iTunes and take you to the list: https://c.itunes.apple.com/us/imix/advent-2012/id583640011

Already, in the few days that I've been working on, this pledge has been a challenge.  I've caught myself a few times starting to put a song that isn't REALLY Christ centered onto my playlist.  Like, "Deck the Halls"... not so much Christ-centered.  More decor-centered.

And I was decorating our tree yesterday and watching "White Christmas" and as I was watching, I thought about how I should just download the soundtrack... Nope!  Not a single song is Christ-centered.

But overall, I'm realizing that most of my favorite songs ARE Christ-centered.  Already, it's been a blessing.

Let me know YOUR favorite Christ-centered Christmas songs!  Comment below!

Blessings!

Thoughts on Advent (a pledge) Part 1

Mr. and I had great plans of decorating for Christmas tonight.  But after getting home, whipping up dinner and wassail (which, by the way, how do YOU pronounce because Mr. and I disagree...), putting up the Autumn decorations, and pulling out all our Christmas stuff, I was absolutely pooped.

So instead Mr. pulled the tree out of the closet (we are blessed enough to have enough storage to be able to keep the tree intact and shove it into an empty closet) and we curled up on the couch to watch Home Alone.  Ya know... with all the decorations strewn about the house.

We'll get to decorating eventually, but while I was pulling out all the decor I got to thinking.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Well, really I do a lot of thinking ALL the time. I mean usually I can't STOP thinking.

But I've been thinking long and hard about Christmas.

At Altamesa we have been having a lot of discussions about Advent and what it means and how we can use Christmas as a springboard to inviting Christ into every aspect of our lives as we greatly expect our Savior's return.

And if you know me at all, I love Christmas.  It used to be my jam.  Fo reals.

I used to go all out and decorate like crazy.  I spent a lot of time listening to Christmas music (and I mean I would start in like September) and I would recreate and attempt to create memories.  And Christ was in my Christmas, but He wasn't my focus, if that makes any sense.

Well after several discussions about Advent and the practice of it and what it means to celebrate Advent, I got to thinking about my choices during Christmas.

Now, I enjoy a lot about Christmas, but probably my most favorite part about Christmas is the music.

I absolutely adore Christmas music and you only get to listen to it once a year!

And I listen to a lot of Christmas music.  All kinds too.  Secular and Christian.

But this year, I am trying to intentionally refocus my heart and mind on the death and resurrection of Christ and the hope we have in His second coming.  And so my pledge for the season of Advent (which technically starts on December the 2nd) is that I will only listen to music that will help me to reflect on Christ.

Now, obviously if I'm in the middle of a store and "Jingle Bells" starts playing, I'm not going to run out of the store.  I will also not shout "bah humbug" while watching television and "Santa Baby" comes on.  Though I might if I hear Mariah Carey singing "All I Want for Christmas."

Honestly, my heart just needs this.  My soul needs it.  I can get so caught up in the season that I forget why it's important that we celebrate.  And I do believe that it's important.

So my plan is to create a playlist that weeds out all of my secular Christmas music.  I'll be back tomorrow or Thursday with a list of some of my favorite songs and artists just in case you'd be interested in joining me.  And there are lots to choose from!

I did a little test today and as I skipped certain songs and focused on ones with a Christ-focus, I found that I heard them differently for the first time.  I connected with them more.  I felt God opening my heart as I reflected on what it meant that He sent His Son for us.  And he's coming again!

Ya'll, it was GOOD.

So if you plan on joining me, I would love to know!  I pray that it will bless you and that our true focus is on Him at this time and at ALL times.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Family Forever (I promise it won't suck)

I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving.  I know that we did.  Even if Shelby was stuck in the hospital.  But don't worry, she got to open some of her Christmas presents early because of it.

She also informed me that I'm not keeping up with my blogging.

And if I want to make money I need to keep up with it.

Cause that's what it's all about.

Obviously.

As I was driving back to Fort Worth with Mr. I realized something.

I missed my church family.  A lot.

I missed my teenagers, I missed my co-workers, I missed Ladies Bible Class and my friends.  I missed going to work and spending time in the word.  I missed my FAMILY.

Now, I love my given family and my married family.  More than just about anything.  And I absolutely HATE that we don't live closer to them because I typically miss them often and a lot.

But my church family is so much a part of my life that whenever I'm away from them, I miss them.

Ya'll, I can't tell you how blessed I am to have a job that I adore.  That when I am away from, I can't wait to come back to.  God has given me a gift.

We are entering into the season of Advent and Altamesa is celebrating this season as we celebrate the first coming of Christ and prepare for his second coming.

There will most likely be a few more blog posts about Advent over the next few days because ya'll, I am SO excited about this.

There is a quote in 1st Peter that talks about how we should live our lives in GREAT EXPECTATION of the second coming of Christ.  Our hope.  And frankly our ONE WAY TICKET TO HEAVEN.  I love this imagery because I think that everyone has waited expectantly for one thing or another.  And the idea that we are waiting on pins and needles, that we can't WAIT to be with Christ and live with Him in Heaven... the whole idea gives me chills when I think about it.

And as we were driving home I realized that when we are all with the Father in Heaven, I won't miss ANYONE.  Finally, we will all be together.  I won't have to leave any of my families.  We will all be together.  For eternity.  (and I realize that might sound the exact opposite of Heaven, but I don't think it will be)

And right now, I can't imagine anything greater.

And that is something to look forward to.  And plan for.  And GREATLY expect.

Blessings.

Love my Tay Tay!!

I am pretty sure that the first time I laid eyes on Taylor, she was screaming.  I'm pretty sure Ross and I walked in right as my dad had attempted to cut her teeny little fingernails and had sliced some skin... oops.

Way to go daddy.  Sweet Tay was a couple of hours old and now she's bleeding.

When I think of Taylor as a baby I immediately think of her vibrant blue eyes and her bald little head.

Yup, as much hair as Shelby had... Taylor had none.

That's okay though, when looking at the picture wall of me, my dad, Ross, and my stepmom Noel... we were all kinda bald.  Taylor fit right in.

Taylor was all kinds of fun.  If I wanted to play dress-up, Taylor was my girl.

My sweet parents have all KINDS of pictures of the two of us dressed up.  Even feather boas...

Tay also loved stories.  My mimi loved to tell her stories when she would spend the night.  Mimi has told me that she really liked to hear stories of me and Ross.  Mimi liked to tell her the story of when I was over at her house and I didn't sleep well because I didn't have my stuffed bear with me.  I was in high school when that happened.  Taylor got a KICK out of that story!

When Taylor was probably 4, we loved to watch Disney Channel together.  This was back in the days of Even Stevens and The Famous Jett Jackson.  We had just watched one of the Zenon movies together (we LOVED those!) and I decided to ask Taylor if she wanted me to do her hair.  She of course did!  So with her little feathery hair (she had a little more of it at this point), I made all sorts of ponytails all over her head.  It was forever known after that as her "Zenon Hair."  And nobody could do it as good as me.

She has always been my makeup buddy.  If you know me at all, you know that I love makeup.  I watch makeup tutorials online, I like to try new (inexpensive) products, and all I wanted for my birthday was a subscription to Birchbox.  Taylor loves makeup like I do.  She likes to experiment with different colors and fun things like eyelashes and sparkly eyeliner.  She did several... experimental looks on me when she was little.  I ended up looking a little bit scary...

She adores having fun.

And she has a skull piercing laugh that you could hear from space.

It was just recently her homecoming.  He mum was about 5 times as big as she is.  Seriously, it was decked out with feather boas, a Minnie mouse doll, ribbons... it was so very Taylor.

She is over the top and dramatic.  Loving and loud.

I love that kid more than words can describe.

And she has a big heart.

She loves to work with her hands and loves to create.  When Shelby was in the hospital the first time, she made her a big, colorful peace sign.  With lots of glitter.  She wanted to make sure that Shelby had something fun and bright to look at while stuck in a hospital room.

She loves animals fiercely and can't stand to know that they are being mistreated.

She is such a barrel of fun and I love her to pieces!

We have shared a bed many MANY times and I love her even if she lies horizontal in her bed and talks in her sleep...

Tay, you're so special to me and I can't imagine NOT having you as my sister. Life would definitely be boring!

Never Good Enough (or CapsLockLauren)

I'm sure this will come as a shock to everyone, but I have bad days.

I even have bad SUNDAYS.  Yeah, the day that I am supposed to be the most "on."  The day that so much of (but not all of!) my week is spent preparing for.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was failing miserably.  Not just at my job as a minister, but at LIFE in general.

So basically if you saw me at church yesterday and I was all smiles and perkiness, it was just an act.  Yes, ministers can put on a facade too.  Yes, ministers can have bad Sundays too.

Both of my Sunday lessons were just so-so.  I felt like my Sunday AM lesson was SUPER bad.  I was sitting there in front of my sweet 9th and 10th graders and kept thinking, "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!? You're making no sense... How will any of these teens ever learn from you?! How incredibly selfish and conceited of you to think that you could actually TEACH the BIBLE!"

By the time I left class, I felt like I was just spinning my wheels.

After a few conversations with a few people I was feeling even worse.  Nobody said anything to  hurt my feelings (and mind you, I was also super sensitive), but the conversations didn't go as well as I had hoped.  I ended up feeling like a failure.  Like I was just spinning my wheels in these particular relationships.

I meant to grab a sweet friend after worship and tell her how much I enjoyed sitting in front of her kids because I could hear them praising God in their sweet young voices and my heart just MELTED.  But I got distracted and forgot.

Even after a great worship service and sermon (in which our preacher Micah encouraged us to see things big picture...), I just felt like I wasn't doing anything right!

I seemed to be striking out in every area of my life.  In one day.

There was a track going through my head that said, "you're not good enough.  You're never good enough.  You're not enough.  You're a failure.  Everything you do is not only bad, but destructive."

I'm not pretty enough.  Not fit enough.  Too cocky.  Too much.  Never chosen.  Not liked by everyone.  Not a Biblical Scholar.  Not an actress.  Can't sing well enough.  Can't pastorally care for teens.  Aren't going to succeed as a wife or person.  Too slow.  Too harsh.  Bad teacher.  Bad minister...

It was a long day.

I was so glad when this morning came.

And for the first time EVER.  I got up this morning and went for a run.

Not a long run.  Only like 17 minutes.

But in those 17 minutes, God and I had a little chat.  And in the glory of a new morning he revealed MUCH to me.

Because I am not enough.  And I'm never going to be good enough.  I'm not going to live up to my own expectations, or anyone else's expectations.  Unfortunately, I'm not even going to live up to God's expectations.

But guess what?

There's good news.

I'm a daughter of the King.  A heavenly princess.  He LOVES me.  He DELIGHTS in me.

And not only IN SPITE of my flaws as a sinner, but because of them.  Those flaws are what has given HIM the power to show who HE is.  Those flaws make me trust in HIM more.  I am absolutely NOTHING without Him.  I am EVERYTHING with him.

It is in my own weakness that He is made strong.  And glorified.

Now, I so don't have this all figured out.  And there isn't going to be any magical button that I can push the next time I have a bad day.  Or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Or Satan is attacking me in a very powerful way (which is what he was doing yesterday).

But I know with absolute certainty that my Father loves me.  And He will lead me through.

And one day, this will all seem like a whisper in the wind.  And I will be resting with Him in our Home.

My Shelby Sue

16 years ago, my little brother burst into my room, annoyed that he had to go through the bathroom because I had locked the door leading into the hallway.  Oops.  I remember him saying something, but he woke me up... so more than anything I was annoyed with him.

Shocking.

He told me mom was having contractions and that we needed to get up and get ready to go to a friends house to spend the rest of the night.  It was 4:30am.

And it was the same day that my stepmom had a scheduled C-Section.

I was about to have two sisters born on the same day.

For years I teased them that since they were both half-sisters, they equaled a whole sister.  Neither Shelby Sue nor Tay Tay thought that was funny.

Honestly, they were just sisters.  Who weren't related to each other... and who caused massive confusion in my friends and even some family members.  And CERTAINLY with each other.

I'll write another post about Taylor next, but this post is about Shelby.  My mom and stepdad's kiddo.

Shelby was really REALLY pink.  I remember holding her for the first time in the hospital and she was just very very PINK.  Which was fitting since she was a girl.  She also had a lot of hair.  She was pretty quiet and I rocked her back and forth, back and forth on the little glider in the hospital room.

I babysat her ALL THE TIME that summer.  Tay and Shelby were born in March and by June I was watching Shelby a couple of times a week.  Mostly she would sleep, but sometimes I would put her in her exersaucer (even when she was a little too small for it...) or put her on her tummy in front of blocks.

As she got older I would show her pictures in magazines and try to teach her the names of Luke SKY-walker and HAN SO-lo.

We would take walks up and down the street in her stroller.  I remember specifically the time that I found out if you hit a bump in the rode, she would startle and make the funniest face!  I may have done that a few times more to laugh at her... (sorry Mom).

She liked pacis.  Which we called her "suck-sucks."  The only ones she would take were the yellow ones.  And when she slept, she would suck on one and clench the other one in her hand.  We didn't have any trouble weaning her of her suck-sucks though... she accidentally bit a hole through one of them at about 2 years old, and announced, "It's broke" to my mom, stepdad, and I and then promptly put herself to bed.

Yeah, she was that kind of kid.

She was Mary (ya know, MOTHER OF JESUS) in her school program.  Of course she was...

To this DAY when she cries she looks like a turtle.

When I went home for college after Christmas break my freshman year, we both cried.  It was awful.

As she's gotten older, she has developed a great sense of humor.  She doesn't cry often and never cries without a really good reason to cry.  She is sweet and sassy and sarcastic.  She loves to organize.

And in April of this year, a month after she stood by my side as I got married, she was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.

I hate cancer.

She has been so incredibly brave through all of this.  She is pretty calm and continues to just be "Shelby."  I am so blessed by her all the time.  I love that little girl a whole lot.  And if I could take her place I wouldn't even think about it, I would do it.

October 21st, the teens and I are all going to walk in the Light the Night Walk in honor of Shelby.  If you feel led to walk, we would love to see you there!  If you feel led to give, it would be such a blessing to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Information on our team can be found here: Light the Night Walk Fort Worth- Pirate Hats for Shelby Team

Love you, Shelby Sue!