Monday, October 15, 2012

Never Good Enough (or CapsLockLauren)

I'm sure this will come as a shock to everyone, but I have bad days.

I even have bad SUNDAYS.  Yeah, the day that I am supposed to be the most "on."  The day that so much of (but not all of!) my week is spent preparing for.

Yesterday was one of those days.

I couldn't shake the feeling that I was failing miserably.  Not just at my job as a minister, but at LIFE in general.

So basically if you saw me at church yesterday and I was all smiles and perkiness, it was just an act.  Yes, ministers can put on a facade too.  Yes, ministers can have bad Sundays too.

Both of my Sunday lessons were just so-so.  I felt like my Sunday AM lesson was SUPER bad.  I was sitting there in front of my sweet 9th and 10th graders and kept thinking, "WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!? You're making no sense... How will any of these teens ever learn from you?! How incredibly selfish and conceited of you to think that you could actually TEACH the BIBLE!"

By the time I left class, I felt like I was just spinning my wheels.

After a few conversations with a few people I was feeling even worse.  Nobody said anything to  hurt my feelings (and mind you, I was also super sensitive), but the conversations didn't go as well as I had hoped.  I ended up feeling like a failure.  Like I was just spinning my wheels in these particular relationships.

I meant to grab a sweet friend after worship and tell her how much I enjoyed sitting in front of her kids because I could hear them praising God in their sweet young voices and my heart just MELTED.  But I got distracted and forgot.

Even after a great worship service and sermon (in which our preacher Micah encouraged us to see things big picture...), I just felt like I wasn't doing anything right!

I seemed to be striking out in every area of my life.  In one day.

There was a track going through my head that said, "you're not good enough.  You're never good enough.  You're not enough.  You're a failure.  Everything you do is not only bad, but destructive."

I'm not pretty enough.  Not fit enough.  Too cocky.  Too much.  Never chosen.  Not liked by everyone.  Not a Biblical Scholar.  Not an actress.  Can't sing well enough.  Can't pastorally care for teens.  Aren't going to succeed as a wife or person.  Too slow.  Too harsh.  Bad teacher.  Bad minister...

It was a long day.

I was so glad when this morning came.

And for the first time EVER.  I got up this morning and went for a run.

Not a long run.  Only like 17 minutes.

But in those 17 minutes, God and I had a little chat.  And in the glory of a new morning he revealed MUCH to me.

Because I am not enough.  And I'm never going to be good enough.  I'm not going to live up to my own expectations, or anyone else's expectations.  Unfortunately, I'm not even going to live up to God's expectations.

But guess what?

There's good news.

I'm a daughter of the King.  A heavenly princess.  He LOVES me.  He DELIGHTS in me.

And not only IN SPITE of my flaws as a sinner, but because of them.  Those flaws are what has given HIM the power to show who HE is.  Those flaws make me trust in HIM more.  I am absolutely NOTHING without Him.  I am EVERYTHING with him.

It is in my own weakness that He is made strong.  And glorified.

Now, I so don't have this all figured out.  And there isn't going to be any magical button that I can push the next time I have a bad day.  Or I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  Or Satan is attacking me in a very powerful way (which is what he was doing yesterday).

But I know with absolute certainty that my Father loves me.  And He will lead me through.

And one day, this will all seem like a whisper in the wind.  And I will be resting with Him in our Home.

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